The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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