I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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