keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
