just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
