I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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