people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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