So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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