Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
