I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Who died my cat blue again?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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