I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
