I hope my margaritas pass through security.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
