Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
