I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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