he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
