I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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