if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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