I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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