i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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