I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
