just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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