I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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