Whatcha textin bout Willis?
two words: eviction party
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
