believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
