I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize