I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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