her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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