I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
