I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
