I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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