How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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