i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
