I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
