Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
sarcasm needs its own font
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Vodka?
Forever.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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