Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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