Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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