Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
