I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
