the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
