I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
