I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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