Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
