So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
