I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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