I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
