she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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