i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
