your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
