Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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