remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
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Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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