I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
