I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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