I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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