she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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