so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
